Welcome to the real world....

Yesterday was the most disastrous day of my life. what i cant understand is how my perfect plan got disrupted so badly. i worked my ass off for this assignment and on my way home i was thinking..where did i go wrong? what was it that i didn't see?? then a bell rang and i saw it all....

to explain what exactly happened...we had a new assignment and even though it allocated only 5%,everyone was very competitive to be the best and naturally so was i. i don't know where i get this emotion from but i always get pumped up to run the extra mile to top up. well our group is great, helpful, committed, a little less creative which was ok because we can always work on that and i know that they all worked hard. we were all exited about it,and even had two exiting video clips to bring a bit of suspense, for our unfortunate timing the electricity went off during the middle of our presentation and my visual coordinator got exited and messed it up. for the first time in my life i didn't create the "wow" factor when i was presenting!

other groups had their own thing something unique to them selves but what went wrong was that a particular group had one of my friends or what i least thought was my friend. and his girlfriend is in my group not forgetting that she is one of my best friends and hence had a link to all the stuff we do, not that my friend says any of it but she is very innocent (innocent as can be) and you can easily get things out of her and i suppose her boyfriend did that because he is a master when it comes to creating traps and getting things out. he always had an upper hand in presentations because he has connections when it comes to the IT side and always got things which are new to the eye done by the help of others.

where i went wrong was i had my target wrong, he knew my weakness and hit me right there. my weakness is the fact that i actually show it when i get upset and once it hit me, to the kind of person he is it broke my heart to pieces. my whole life i have never met anyone like this. i was surrounded with people who help me out and make me stronger when i was weak but this so called friend only makes me weaker when am down and he knows exactly how to do it with out destroying me because once it is done then his mask is revealed.

if you are an outsider looking down at me u would not think for once that this person is capable of things as such. he is carefree, very socail (which is how he traps evryone), talkative and foremost an EXCELLENT actor..if not he can never come this far. i too never suspected him in this manner for this 1 1/2 years, unit i became one of his preys. he is what we call a "wolf in sheeps clothing". what ever said and done i have to give him credit beacause he is marvelous in what he does, a real master of disguise..with out a doubt absolutely creative in making traps! n the best part u wouldnt realise it until the real damage is done. for that he deserves an applause..and to honestly say it is a talent.

now that i have recognised the devil my solution is learning from him..giving him a taste of his own medicine. although his presence now makes me sick, just like him i am now becoming an actress and it is not as easy to do as to say. am not going to go low and dirty as he is because i have something called morals and values which i follow, but i have a habbit of learing from people who slap me right smack on my face. so lets say am getting a ready to giving the wolf what i call a sheeps treatment. after all am not the kind who would let go of things that easily or might i say let go of things at all! at this point right now he is underestimating me so i keep letting him because the ball is in my hand and he will be dancing to my rythm at the end of this semester.

but above all this what worries me is my best friend who is unfortunately his girl. i hope he wouldnt throw her out once her part in his play is over. she is the most innocent person i have ever met and her honesty is always something people take advantage of. keeping my fingers crossed that no harm comes in her way and this is the only reason why i have to play this game very carefully because one small mistake and it might hurt her or worse he can make her go against me although that is impossible beacuse we both love eachother eaqualy, but u can never say...it is the devil am going against!

so am all pumped up and ready to flow...but it will be flowing at a very very very slowpace...only thing am glad is that i realised how people are, who knows there might be worse people than him out in the world..am happy it happened sooner than later..

the CuRsE and the GiFt my true love gave me..

Ever had those days where everything seems to be a blur?? Well I have been having those for the past few days. Why?? Well for many reasons…but mostly this black cloud is hung over me. And all sorts of rubbish run through my head. Biggest reason is the fact that I miss Mr. big a lot. No it’s not in a way that u reminisce the memories, I have surpassed that it’s a feeling that tears you apart coz u don’t want any other man than him.

Long distant relationship, yes that’s what I have gotten myself into AGAIN.I just cannot understand why I fell for a guy miles and miles away for the second time!!! I guess it’s just me. Not that am complaining about Mr. big but just wish I was with him, more close to him. Today on my long ride on my public transportation ride to uni my mind went drifting to Mr. big..the way he held my hands, and how amazingly soft they were, how his arm would rest comfortably along my waist, the way he brushes my hair off my face, the way his eyes sparkle, the way he looks at me, the warmth I feel when his lips touches mine..i just go completely insane!! I so badly yearn for him I want to know how it feels like again so tired of reminiscing them at each bus ride every morning to uni and from uni to home. I don’t know if falling in love with him was a curse or a gift. If another man can fill his place in my life, if he wasn’t so special it wouldn’t be this difficult for me. But no one can ever replace him in my heart, its only him that I ask for every night and morning..to be his ONLY HIS!!!

Often try to keep myself busy in order to block all these emotions. But there is this certain angel in my life who has figured out about my mask and now it is impossible for me to hide anything from him. In one hand am glad that I have someone to talk to but in the other hand am disappointed because I would have to answer his entire questions. And he worries a great deal about me and my feeling for Mr. big, why am the least of his priorities…I didn’t even realized that till he mentioned it. Sometimes I wonder if Mr. big feels the same way I do, question the fact if he really loves me, after rationally thinking for a while the answer is an obvious YES. I know him too well and better about his feelings for me and he has put a great share of work to make this work. But what I don’t understand is why I never get to see him!

Many of my friends are very polite they never talk much about Mr. big unless I bring it up, but I can see it in their eyes…how they sympathize me and a particular character who has the least faith in us is awaiting till things between us end. This “she” goes on with her tell tales as soon as I turn my back and now she has turned to a character that I despise. I try to change my emotions towards her but always end up at square one.

It amazes me to how much faith I have on Mr. big, although my patience and faith once let me down, for some reason I just keep going. Life can’t be this cruel to me, I paid my dues with a terrible heartbreak once I sure I won’t be punished again. But I only pray that Mr. big realizes to spare some time for me.I hope my obedient silence and patience will make him understand that. Till that day I will be waiting for him…come home soon Mr. big....i need you now more than ever…I LOVE YOU

difficulties in wearing a mask......

"MASK"...is an artefact normally worn on the face, typically for protection, concealment, performance, or amusement. Some of us are very good in wearing a mask and us human being use it mostly to conceal their true identity. people wear masks for several reasons out of all those the below two are the roots for it.

1. to avoid reality
2. to hide their cunningness

i myself wear a mask too n have met many who wear masks but those are the kind that people call "back stabbers". i don't quite fall to that group i wear my great mask to avoid reality. i know what yr thinking....u think am a coward but truth is no am not...i wear the mask so that people wont realize my true identity plus just because i have a bad day i shouldn't ruin everybody else's day right??? through out the years with great practice i have become a master in my disguises.

i cant quite remember when i picked up upon the mask but i know it has something to do with big mama and so often find myself with raging ager towards her which i force to go away because IT JUST NOT RIGHT. the reason is well because i never seem to be good enough with what ever i do n big mama is never satisfied. but mostly its because of her lack of trust in me..i nvr did anything to break it but she alwys looked down on me with great suspicion. i often thought that is was all me, i was the problem n blamed myself for everything and tried doing my best but i always seem to fail. there have been numerous times i have thought of putting and end to it, n the situation only got worse as i was lonely and had no one to talk to. So if u ask me how may times i have attempted i probably wont even be able to count but i made it through because of my tribe. i spent almost more than half of my day concentrating on our tribal activities so that all my energy will be spent on it. and it did save me.

even though i had many attempts, even finished a bottle of pills on day they never seemed to work.later on i stopped doing so. simply because there were many people who looked up to me n i didnt want to let them down because that was the one thing that i had during those years. so i told myself that i will not be a coward n run away from my problem..i will face them even though it tears me apart or no matter how may tears will be gushing out of my eyes..I WILL NOT GIVE UP ON ME.. n it worked...i was saved by no1 else but by me..amazing strengths us humans have!! thank the lord for that.

even though i gave up on that thought it still lingers inside me. when ever my trust is judged.i wonder why i have to be so honest..if big mama doesn't trust me i should just live up to her statements fooling around with out a care in the world. but i can never bring myself to do so what ever said n done i still love her more than my life, but its such a pity that she doesn't have a clue...

yes i wanted to give up on my mask, be honest with my friends i can i do have trust worthy friends but then they will see big mama in a different angel i don't want that either! then Mr.big only makes it worse...his visit to SL keeps getting delayed. it went from july to december to january to february to april to july n am damn sure he wont make it in july either. n then he says "are u upset?" n i say "no am alright there is always a next time, just wish u i could see you soon" . why? why? why?... why cant i just say it

NO! AM NOT ALRIGHT ITS BEEN MORE THAN A YEAR I HAVE BEEN WAITING TO SEE YOU...I YEARN FOR YOU EVERY SINGLE DAY! SEE YOUR FACE EVERY WHERE I GO!!! I WANT TO BE IN YOUR ARMS!!! Y? DON'T U FEEL THE SAME WAY? I WANT YOU TO HAVE SOME TIME FOR ME!!!



but i just cant say it,all i get are gushing tears. my weakness: i love people too much, forgive them easily.my lesson: good hearted people need to get use to this heartache.and i am once again waiting for Mr.big...u might b thinking that Mr.big is fooling around...na he isn't i know he loves me a lot..its his weakness of trying to satisfy everyone at the same time which ends up dissatisfying me. so hear i go wearing the mask.. echo the happy girl with a smile on her face but alas if only u would know about my mask....

i don't even know why am writing this today, guess i just want to get it out of my system because i met with an incident of that sort today.

A dedication to moi....

so...here i am, with my first ever post. have to say i did have my share of laugh creating this blog. u see i created my link as "confessions of an echo" which some how changed to as "contessions of an echo", tried to Google the meaning if there was any meaning to it and ended up getting 'are u refering to confessions'. this is usual with me and technology, some how we just don't get along together which is a very similar behavior to my ex...lol :).

so i wondered what i should write on my first blog and i realised due to the limited 12oo words in the profile description what better subject to start off with than MOI.. ya i can be a little self obsessed at times ;) but as a teen trust me i was never this comfortable with myself, still amazes me as to how this whole turn over happened and i some how cannot find the climax to the whole scenario either.

kicking it off.... *drum roll*

am just another average female homosepian like the many others that you have crossed upon..confusing and arrogant which i consider as a women's best tools to drive the opposite sex insane hence always gives us an upper hand. as u can see am very content with my gender while i have met many women who often whine about the fact how their brothers go out n come the next morning and bla bla bla...well not that there is any difference in what i go through, i am too locked and chained to my room most times but i seem to be content with my habitat which is odd i know but my imaginary friends keeps me entertained. .wow i sound like a lunatic now, lol.. ok so i had imaginary friends when i was 4 or 5 well it wasn't imaginary i just use to talk with my dolls which is natural with all my ladies at that age.. .i think :O something similar with guys and their balls (i mean the toy, no no not that toy....the average cricket ball, basket ball, base ball etc). n yes am a bit hyperactive too not always though but it becomes worse when am with my tribe almost like am drunk without any alcoholic substance!

i am a person who takes life as it is, i will take it all with open arms whether it is an endure of pain or joy, as some one i love more than myself told me "what is life with out its difficulties..and those who give us the hardest times are our greatest teachers". true isnt it??? well it is for me i have learnt more about myself from the toughest times in my life not only when it comes to the matters of the heart but when dreams that i worked for since i was a teen collapses on me..that time i thought i would never find my way back... but i did :). i think its important we experience all these tragic events in life and it only makes us stronger and we will witness all other options we have in life.

12.30 am and tomorrow the 1st day of the 2nd semester, darn its already tomorrow!!! this is it for my first post...i like to end it without the normal polished "so thats all about me" because am still identifying who i am n i believe we will always be, because life is filled with lessons we ought to live...so am leaving my post with question marks and pondering sleepless thoughts beacuse there is no other better way to put me into words...I AM AN UNFINISHED BUSINESS :) WITH A LONG ROAD AHEAD.... also beacause i have to wake up at 5.30 am and catch my public trasportation to uni.. *sigh*...

till next time,
adios.......