Welcome to the real world....

Yesterday was the most disastrous day of my life. what i cant understand is how my perfect plan got disrupted so badly. i worked my ass off for this assignment and on my way home i was thinking..where did i go wrong? what was it that i didn't see?? then a bell rang and i saw it all....

to explain what exactly happened...we had a new assignment and even though it allocated only 5%,everyone was very competitive to be the best and naturally so was i. i don't know where i get this emotion from but i always get pumped up to run the extra mile to top up. well our group is great, helpful, committed, a little less creative which was ok because we can always work on that and i know that they all worked hard. we were all exited about it,and even had two exiting video clips to bring a bit of suspense, for our unfortunate timing the electricity went off during the middle of our presentation and my visual coordinator got exited and messed it up. for the first time in my life i didn't create the "wow" factor when i was presenting!

other groups had their own thing something unique to them selves but what went wrong was that a particular group had one of my friends or what i least thought was my friend. and his girlfriend is in my group not forgetting that she is one of my best friends and hence had a link to all the stuff we do, not that my friend says any of it but she is very innocent (innocent as can be) and you can easily get things out of her and i suppose her boyfriend did that because he is a master when it comes to creating traps and getting things out. he always had an upper hand in presentations because he has connections when it comes to the IT side and always got things which are new to the eye done by the help of others.

where i went wrong was i had my target wrong, he knew my weakness and hit me right there. my weakness is the fact that i actually show it when i get upset and once it hit me, to the kind of person he is it broke my heart to pieces. my whole life i have never met anyone like this. i was surrounded with people who help me out and make me stronger when i was weak but this so called friend only makes me weaker when am down and he knows exactly how to do it with out destroying me because once it is done then his mask is revealed.

if you are an outsider looking down at me u would not think for once that this person is capable of things as such. he is carefree, very socail (which is how he traps evryone), talkative and foremost an EXCELLENT actor..if not he can never come this far. i too never suspected him in this manner for this 1 1/2 years, unit i became one of his preys. he is what we call a "wolf in sheeps clothing". what ever said and done i have to give him credit beacause he is marvelous in what he does, a real master of disguise..with out a doubt absolutely creative in making traps! n the best part u wouldnt realise it until the real damage is done. for that he deserves an applause..and to honestly say it is a talent.

now that i have recognised the devil my solution is learning from him..giving him a taste of his own medicine. although his presence now makes me sick, just like him i am now becoming an actress and it is not as easy to do as to say. am not going to go low and dirty as he is because i have something called morals and values which i follow, but i have a habbit of learing from people who slap me right smack on my face. so lets say am getting a ready to giving the wolf what i call a sheeps treatment. after all am not the kind who would let go of things that easily or might i say let go of things at all! at this point right now he is underestimating me so i keep letting him because the ball is in my hand and he will be dancing to my rythm at the end of this semester.

but above all this what worries me is my best friend who is unfortunately his girl. i hope he wouldnt throw her out once her part in his play is over. she is the most innocent person i have ever met and her honesty is always something people take advantage of. keeping my fingers crossed that no harm comes in her way and this is the only reason why i have to play this game very carefully because one small mistake and it might hurt her or worse he can make her go against me although that is impossible beacuse we both love eachother eaqualy, but u can never say...it is the devil am going against!

so am all pumped up and ready to flow...but it will be flowing at a very very very slowpace...only thing am glad is that i realised how people are, who knows there might be worse people than him out in the world..am happy it happened sooner than later..

the CuRsE and the GiFt my true love gave me..

Ever had those days where everything seems to be a blur?? Well I have been having those for the past few days. Why?? Well for many reasons…but mostly this black cloud is hung over me. And all sorts of rubbish run through my head. Biggest reason is the fact that I miss Mr. big a lot. No it’s not in a way that u reminisce the memories, I have surpassed that it’s a feeling that tears you apart coz u don’t want any other man than him.

Long distant relationship, yes that’s what I have gotten myself into AGAIN.I just cannot understand why I fell for a guy miles and miles away for the second time!!! I guess it’s just me. Not that am complaining about Mr. big but just wish I was with him, more close to him. Today on my long ride on my public transportation ride to uni my mind went drifting to Mr. big..the way he held my hands, and how amazingly soft they were, how his arm would rest comfortably along my waist, the way he brushes my hair off my face, the way his eyes sparkle, the way he looks at me, the warmth I feel when his lips touches mine..i just go completely insane!! I so badly yearn for him I want to know how it feels like again so tired of reminiscing them at each bus ride every morning to uni and from uni to home. I don’t know if falling in love with him was a curse or a gift. If another man can fill his place in my life, if he wasn’t so special it wouldn’t be this difficult for me. But no one can ever replace him in my heart, its only him that I ask for every night and morning..to be his ONLY HIS!!!

Often try to keep myself busy in order to block all these emotions. But there is this certain angel in my life who has figured out about my mask and now it is impossible for me to hide anything from him. In one hand am glad that I have someone to talk to but in the other hand am disappointed because I would have to answer his entire questions. And he worries a great deal about me and my feeling for Mr. big, why am the least of his priorities…I didn’t even realized that till he mentioned it. Sometimes I wonder if Mr. big feels the same way I do, question the fact if he really loves me, after rationally thinking for a while the answer is an obvious YES. I know him too well and better about his feelings for me and he has put a great share of work to make this work. But what I don’t understand is why I never get to see him!

Many of my friends are very polite they never talk much about Mr. big unless I bring it up, but I can see it in their eyes…how they sympathize me and a particular character who has the least faith in us is awaiting till things between us end. This “she” goes on with her tell tales as soon as I turn my back and now she has turned to a character that I despise. I try to change my emotions towards her but always end up at square one.

It amazes me to how much faith I have on Mr. big, although my patience and faith once let me down, for some reason I just keep going. Life can’t be this cruel to me, I paid my dues with a terrible heartbreak once I sure I won’t be punished again. But I only pray that Mr. big realizes to spare some time for me.I hope my obedient silence and patience will make him understand that. Till that day I will be waiting for him…come home soon Mr. big....i need you now more than ever…I LOVE YOU